Advocating for Your Child

Seven-year-old Kaden looks toward the camera with a gentle smile while resting on a wooden structure.

When some parents see their child’s school, they are often taken back to their best childhood memories. Many are reminded of the happiest time in their lives, when they enjoyed recess twice a day, led the school choir and eventually went on to triumph over the other boys and girls by becoming prom king or queen.

That isn’t the case for me. When I walked into my stepson’s school, diverting my eyes was the most I could manage when the principal told me Kaden spent the day in the office again. When the phone rang at 1:30, we knew who it was; Why even log onto our family email account? All we would discover was the latest awful thing Kaden had done.

As far as I was concerned, no news was good news. Yet, any mother (or stepmother) wants to believe her son is faultless, so when people said my stepson was a problem, it was so hard to believe. Kaden, at only seven years old, is one of the smallest boys in his first grade class. At home, he is quiet, well-mannered and usually smiling. More than once, while out on the town, complete strangers have stopped me to note what a delightfully well-behaved son I have.

You wouldn’t think it to look at him, but, Kaden has obviously overheard the “small but mighty” stereotype more than once since his birth. By half-way through first grade, Kaden has already been sent to the office for physical aggression more than 20 times, breaking the school record for the only first grader actually suspended from school twice in two weeks. Is this seven year old boy really the future school bully or is there simply something we are all missing?

“I’m really not suggesting Kaden needs to be on medication,” my mother said the other day, looking very somber as we sat at my dining room table eating lunch. “I’m just saying, something is clearly wrong.” “Here”, she paused briefly to shuffle through the numerous office referrals I had displayed on the table for her.

“No seven-year-old should be this unhappy at school, or act this bizarre. For Pete’s sake, what seven-year-old gets kicked out of school?” she said. “He doesn’t throw fits when he’s here — and my goodness, does this one say he BIT the teacher?”

At this point, she stopped talking and handed me a magazine article. It was about elementary school children with behavioral issues. She asked me to read it, telling me she thought it might be helpful.

It was. I had no idea seven-year-olds with behavioral problems may be suffering from depression or anxiety. Even more interesting was that schools can actually do many things in order to support a child with behavioral problems. Hallelujah, my stepson and his foul conduct were not alone in the world!

So, on the advice of my mother, the magazine article, and some college friends, I decided to take control of the situation.

Tip number one: Don’t be afraid to be assertive with your child’s school. At the beginning of Kaden’s first grade year, I voiced my concerns about his behavior and felt pushed aside by his teacher and principal. I was told he wasn’t at the point where he needed to be assessed for behavioral problems. Needless to say, when I discovered the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act) law states that once a parent requests an assessment the school has 60 days to comply. I was shocked. My initial reaction was to confront the school about this situation, but what would yelling at the principal do, other than harm already tenuous relationships? Assertion is different than aggression and I needed to get a grip quickly!

Tip number two: Remember all of your child’s school records are available for you to view. Any office referrals, detentions, suspensions and sometimes even timeouts are recorded and filed within the school. Any accommodations your child receives should also be recorded. As a parent, you have the right to receive copies of all this paperwork and it is important you keep files for your own records.

Tip number three: Written communication isn’t always easiest but is often necessary. Along with this, sometimes email is convenient, but feelings are often misconstrued and things can be easily taken out of context. When I initially contacted Kaden’s school about an assessment and was told he wasn’t to that point yet, we had been communicating through email. When emails were not successful, I wrote a letter to the school and sent it through the mail. In the letter I requested a FBA (Functional Behavioral Assessment) as well as a comprehensive evaluation for Kaden. The FBA is an assessment our local educational agency would do at the school’s request. I also asked to receive a written response from the school within ten business days.

That did the trick. I heard from the school nine days later and within a week the ball was rolling on Kaden’s assessment. Not long after that, we had a meeting to go over the FBA and talk about possible accommodations for Kaden. In a matter of weeks, I went from a seemingly desperate situation to believing there might actually be hope for my bullying boy! Now, two months later we have yet to receive that phone call or e-mail from the principal revealing the latest bad news. With the help of his teacher, principal, school counselor and our local education agency, Kadenwill have a chance in school that he could have otherwise missed out on.

Many states have parent educator partnership programs that can answer questions for parents when they are having difficulty with their children in or out of school. Ask your local education agency if they have a program like this available dear you.

More Family-School Collaboration and Partnership Ideas

Advocating for Your Child

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