Keep the Holidays Happy: The Do’s and Don’ts for Talking with Family and Friends

A family is gathered around a table for a holiday meal with a roasted turkey.

Keep the Holidays Happy: The Do’s and Don’ts for Talking with Family and Friends

The holiday season is a time to spend with friends and family, but there’s a lot going on that can be tough for kids with special needs. And it can be tough to enjoy the season when not all your friends and family understand your child’s issues or are supportive of how you manage them.

You make the season a little cheerier by having a low-key advocacy plan for talking about your child’s issues and some ideas of how to respond to comments that may come up at family gatherings. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts to consider: DON’T: Assume that people are being ill-intentioned. Some people seem critical or ask questions that may seem insensitive simply because they don’t know much about your child’s disability. Older relatives may misunderstand your child abilities or have outdated about how the issues are managed.

DO: Correct misinformation gracefully.

Hearing someone say something patently wrong can make you angry, but try to keep as calm as possible. Gather your thoughts, take a breath and explain what’s incorrect about the assumption. Then provide the correct information. It’s helpful to keep in mind that you’re trying to explain and educate, not defend yourself or your child.

DON’T: Feel the need to tell everybody everything.

There are some friends and family you may only see a few times of year. If you’re not in touch with them regularly, it’s okay to provide just enough information to make it through the day. For example, “Gwen had a recent surgery and she’s still recovering. She may need to leave the table before the meal is over to rest.”

DO: Figure out what you need to tell certain people ahead of time.

There are also people who need more information to help you have a low-key holiday. For instance, if your child has food allergies, it’s important to share with the host of a holiday meal which foods are a problem. If you’re sharing a babysitter with family who live in a different town or state, so you can all enjoy a night out, you’ll need to explain your child’s needs and how to handle them.

DON’T: Worry about the technical terms (unless people want to know).

Explaining that John has Autism Spectrum Disorder, Support Level 2, gives people a name doesn’t help them understand what it means for your child. They may know what ASD is, but they might not know how it affects his daily life.

DO: Explain what it means in plain language.

Let people know that John may have a hard time with conversation or a difficult time adjusting to the noise or new people. Tell them, too, what they can do to make things easier. For example, “John may not want you to hug him, but he’ll definitely be happy to say hello to you.” The point is to let them know what they can expect and how to help. And encourage them to ask questions!

DON’T: Focus entirely on your child’s challenges.

Remember that the holidays are a time for celebration and there are many things about your child to celebrate. Be positive about his accomplishments and bring to light his engaging qualities. Share the small, funny everyday kid things that have happened since you last saw your friends and family.

DO: Let your family celebrate you and enjoy the holidays!

At holiday gatherings family and friends are there to support and celebrate you, too. You don’t have to spend all your time talking about your child. There’s plenty of opportunity for you to share in their joys and for them to share in yours.

Keep in mind that talking to your family about your child’s issues can be helpful, but it doesn’t have to be the entire focus of your holiday season.

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This post originally appeared on our November/December 2015 Magazine