Unlocking Vitality: Why Relationships are Critical for Well-being

As families who want our kids to grow up healthy and strong, most families are aware of the everyday habits that we do to keep ourselves and our kids healthy.  A simple internet search can tell you more than you ever wanted to know about car seats, drinking water, and Mediterranean diets.  We know that as caregivers, we need to put time aside for ourselves, even though the act of self-care may actually be one more thing to work into an already packed schedule. During 2020, we became experts on handwashing, mask wearing and avoiding crowds. But in May of 2023, we learned of a new and underappreciated health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health: loneliness and isolation.

Our surgeon general, Dr. Vivek Murthy, informed Americans that “Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight – one that can help us live healthier, more fulfilled, and more productive lives. Given the significant health consequences of loneliness and isolation, we must prioritize building social connection the same way we have prioritized other critical public health issues such as tobacco, obesity, and substance use disorders.”

The surgeon general went on to warn that widespread loneliness poses health risks as deadly as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Ouch.

For kids and adults with disabilities, social isolation and loneliness are not necessarily new issues. As family members, we worry about our loved ones being excluded or bullied at school, or being unable to participate in meaningful afterschool activities that allow kids to get to know one another outside of academic settings. One of the risk factors associated with being starved for social activity is that a child may feel so flattered by being included that it colors their interpretation of how they are treated. They may become overly compliant to maintain a friendship that is not good for them.

One of the most painful experiences for family members is to hear about their loved ones being bullied or mistreated. But unfortunately, when someone is in a relationship that is not good for them, it can take a long time to recognize that it is unhealthy. Do you ever remember having a friend who your parents or friends didn’t like? And do you remember how it felt to have them tell you that you should stay away from that person? Sometimes unhealthy relationships have a magnetic pull that will not easily let go. There may be times when we look at the children our kids chose to befriend and wonder about their choices. What is it about that person that makes my son or daughter want to be around them?

Because most of us were never taught about relationships ourselves, it may have never occurred to us to teach our kids about them. But like so many social skills associated with raising kids with disabilities, if we take the time to have conversations about relationships, we might be able to provide them with some strategies to develop strong, healthy relationships, and minimize the unhealthy ones. At the VCU Partnership for People with Disabilities, when we teach people with disabilities about abuse prevention, we can categorize relationships into three groups: healthy, unhealthy, or confusing.

The Three Types of Relationships

In a healthy relationship, we know we can truly be ourselves. We feel like we can say or do anything around someone without fear of judgment and our expectation is to be unconditionally supported. For many people, healthy relationships begin with their own family members, but it’s important to remember that that is not true for everyone. If you think about the people who make you feel better when you’ve had a really bad day, behaved badly, or made a mistake, usually that’s an example of a healthy relationship.

Almost everyone has been part of a friendship that becomes an unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships are easy to identify when a person overtly hurts you or lies to you. But unhealthy relationships also involve those friends who may have the power to coerce you into doing things that you just don’t feel right about. There are predators who gradually and skillfully ease their way into someone’s life in order to take advantage of them. If you’ve ever spoken on the phone or answered an email by someone who was trying to scam you, you were a potential victim of a predator and experienced how easy it is to become unknowingly trapped.

Confusing relationships are the ones that run hot and cold. Sometimes the friend may seem genuine and truly caring, and other times distant or disrespectful. You may get fed up with this friend, only to have them do something surprising and thoughtful, which keeps you attached.

Feelings help determine the kind of relationship

The feelings that we have around others help us determine the kind of relationship that we have. Have you ever seen a person’s name pop up from an incoming phone call and felt a sense of dread about answering it? Sometimes that is situational, but other times, it’s a good indicator that your relationship with the caller is one that’s not good for you. Often, an unhealthy relationship can feel like you are a passenger in a car that is driving too fast. Feelings of anxiety, nervousness, fear of saying the wrong thing, or getting the silent treatment are all important feelings to acknowledge.

Teaching about healthy relationships

One strategy to help teach kids about relationships is analyzing situations as you see them. When watching television or listening to stories, take a moment to ask questions about how the characters might feel. For example, Harry Potter’s foster family, the Dursleys, do not include him when they go to restaurants or on vacation. How do you think that makes Harry feel? What kind of relationship do you think Harry has with his family? An example of a healthy relationship is Batman and Alfred. Alfred is one of the only people who knows Batman’s true identity, and he does not tell anyone. Is that a healthy relationship? Why? How would Batman feel when he is around Alfred?

Often, it’s difficult to extricate yourself from an unhealthy relationship because it may be with someone you see every day or who lives under your roof. We emphasize that you can always change your mind about who you decide to trust, even if it’s someone who you have known for a long time. Because you were friends with someone for a long time, does not require that you be friends forever.

Lastly, the most important thing to take away from this is that if you are in a relationship that is unhealthy, it is not your fault. Everyone has experienced an unhealthy relationship at some point in their lives. It is critical that our kids identify one adult who they can trust unconditionally. That way, if a child finds that they are in a relationship that is not healthy, they can talk about it with someone who they trust, who will not blame them, and may be able to help. Often just talking to someone else about a problematic friendship helps validate your feelings and gain strength to change things in the relationship.

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For more information about disability and loneliness, visit the website of the Marmalade Trust and the Campaign to End Loneliness.

You may read more about the Surgeon General’s health warning by checking out the Press Release from the US Department of Health and Human services.

About the authors: Molly Dellinger-Wray and Parthy Dinora are part of the Partnership for People with Disabilities at Virginia Commonwealth University, a university center for excellence in developmental disabilities. They are also moms of amazing kids who thrived thanks to great special education services. Together with the VCU School of Social Work, they developed LEAP: Leadership for Empowerment and Abuse Prevention.

Fostering Healthy Relationships Teaching Skills

Read from the Series

• Fostering Healthy Relationships
• Fostering Healthy Relationships Part 1: What Do You Do if You Suspect Abuse?
• Fostering Healthy Relationships Part 2: Establishing Healthy Boundaries for Touch
• Podcast: Have you established healthy boundaries for touch with your loved one with special needs?
• Fostering Healthy Relationships Part 3: Seven Tips for Empowering Kids for a Resilient Future
• Fostering Healthy Relationships Part 4: Talking to Kids about Relationships

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This post originally appeared on our March/April 2024 Magazine