Five Ways to Cultivate Friendships

Two young girls smiling while wrapped in blankets.

Five Ways to Cultivate Friendships

As I drove my daughter, who has been diagnosed with autism, to six parties on the last week of school, I realized that being intentional with her friendships had paid off.

“One big misconception with special needs treatment is that when an individual acquires language, the social skills will follow. This couldn’t be further from the truth because social skills are a core deficit and require the same amount of programming and intervention as language skills do,” says Cristina Busu, MS, BCBA, Clinical Director of Help Hope Solutions.

Friendship with typical kids is problematic, so when you add a disability into the mix, it becomes overwhelming for all involved. Along with the simple give-and-take skills, there are expectations, past experiences and many different personalities to consider. It is so complex that when you try to break it down to teach a special needs child about friendship, it can sometimes feel impossible.

As parents of special needs kids, we all know that life is not fair. So, it won’t come as a surprise to you that in helping your child make friends, you are going to have to, once again, do all the work. But when you sneak around the corner and hear your child giggling with another peer, it is worth all the blood, sweat and tears you put into it. Here are five ways to cultivate your child’s friendships:

1. Be the Inviter

Families lead such fastpaced lives that even typical kids rarely get together for a good ‘ole fashion playdates. Many parents don’t have time to deal with the planning and organizing that is involved. Yes, it would be nice if you invited someone over one time and then your child was immediately invited back in return. Unfortunately, the reality is that when the other child does invite someone over, your child with special needs is not likely to be on the top of their list. Keep inviting over and over and over and eventually a return invite will come.

2. Plan Fun Activities

My idea of a great play date is a friend coming over, and then she and my daughter disappear for two hours. Someday….maybe! Until that day comes, it is my job to help her understand how to entertain a guest. Before the play date, we plan and prepare fun activities that both kids will enjoy. I help her think through the other child ’s interests and what she might want to do; then I prepare her to take turns with her friend in choosing from the list of activities. On the play date, if the conversation lulls, I jump in with a new topic. If the kids aren’t meshing in an activity, I help them gracefully switch to something else. If nothing is working, I bring out that super messy, fun activity that you know no other parent in their right mind would allow their kids to do. For example, if the play date goes downhill, the shaving cream comes out. We do shaving cream on the trampoline, shaving cream wars in the yard, or shaving cream hairstyles. I also keep a stash of cool arts and crafts projects that most any kid would enjoy.

Collage of summer activities with a central sign reading "Summer Time

Summer Time: Pools, Sun, Fun, Relaxing and No School!

3. Engage in Random Acts of Kindness

Thoughtfulness is so important in any friendship. I help my daughter think of what her friends like, and then we write random notes, drop off little fun gifts and go the extra mile with each friend. This way the friend feels loved even though my daughter is sometimes unable to express her genuine interest when they are together. I am amazed at how much my daughter enjoys doing this and often comes up with her own ideas to tell her friends how much she loves them

4. Arrange Regular Outings

The more frequent the play dates, the better chance your child has to get to know his/her peers. We took my daughter’s interests and tried to incorporate other kids into things she already loves to participate in. For example, we set up a gymnastics class for her and her friends at a local gym. We hired a yoga teacher and had a yoga class at our house. We invited friends to church on Wednesday nights and drove them both ways. The more things you are in charge of, the more you can tailor them to ensure your child will stay engaged.

5. Show Gratitude

Yes, you are putting in more effort than the typical parents, but don’t forget to show your gratitude anyway. Make sure to let the other parent know how much you appreciate them allowing their child to come over or participate in an activity. Sometimes, if a parent realizes they are really making a difference in your life, they will want to do more to help.

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Julie Hornok is a writer, wife, mom, and passionate advocate for families living with autism. Her works have been seen in The Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Thrive Magazine, Yoga Digest Magazine and many more publications. When she’s not busy driving her three kids all over town, She loves to give back to the community by planning special needs events.

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This post originally appeared on our July/August 2017 Magazine