How to Communicate Better

Joe Butler has worked with autistic children and young people for over 25 years, and increasingly also supports workplaces and community organizations to be more understanding and inclusive of neurodivergent people. She shares tips, taken from her co-authored book Is That Clear?

Effective Communication in a Neurodiverse World for how to be a better communicator. Effective communication relies on us considering whether what we think we’ve said or asked is clear. Unclear communication can cause avoidable frustration for both our communication partner(s) and ourselves. Our use of language is instinctive. It is not always easy to review what we’ve said, and then take the time to own our miscommunications, thereby easing any anxiety experienced by the person we’re communicating with. When communicating with people who don’t share our neurotype, this can be even more challenging for both or all involved.

So how can we address this? As people in the majority neurotype, it is crucial that we take responsibility for adapting our communication style, and invest in simple ways to enable clearer mutual understanding. The onus is all too often on the autistic or otherwise neurodivergent person to learn what response is expected and make changes (or ‘mask’) in order to survive in what is a predominantly neurotypical world. But communication is a shared responsibility. As allistic (non-autistic) people, we can – and should – adjust the way we interact to be more inclusive and validating of the different ways autistic people communicate.

In writing Is That Clear? my co-authors and I consulted with many autistic people who kindly offered their invaluable insights and contributions. Of course, every autistic person is different, so it is important to learn from the individual in your life what works best for them. However, these ten steps are what our autistic panel said they need you to take, and ultimately benefit everyone.

1. Be aware of any surrounding noise, chatter or activity. Encourage the use of noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs if they help reduce sensory sensitivities and aid concentration.

Do not assume that just because an environment enables you to contribute and understand another person that you or others are reciprocally and effectively communicating. Just because you are not distracted by, or perhaps even aware of, surrounding noise does not mean this isn’t overwhelming or distracting for your communication partner.

Different types of headphones or earplugs are available that aim to either block sound entirely, dampen sound to make it more tolerable, or filter out unwanted or distracting sounds such as background noise or chatter. Try and plan important conversations and phone calls ahead, so that a person can prepare to be in a quieter environment to communicate with you.

2. Recognise that sights, smells, tastes, and touch can also be overwhelming and distracting.

Be aware that, for example, the shard of light cast on a table by a broken blind, or the smells arising from a kitchen at certain times can also be overwhelming and impact on the person being able to effectively communicate. Again, encourage and validate the use of sunglasses or wearing a cap if this helps someone better tolerate the brightness of a space, and be proactive in recognising and adapting environments that might cause sensory overload where possible.

Your communication partner may not understand the triggers themselves, particularly as it can often be the unpredictability of some sensory experiences that are most challenging for some people, or think that everyone is experiencing the same pain or discomfort but are better at coping with these assaults to the senses than they are. Conversely, they may know what would help them in making the environment safer and more tolerable, but be unable or feel unsafe communicating this in some situations. Ask, or find out, what a person’s sensory needs are. Where possible, work with them to make changes to the environment or offer different spaces or equipment to support them as needed.

3. Make time for regular breaks and make sure you stick to the times of them.

We can think of energy like a bank account or a battery, with only so much to use before we have to take a break to deposit more or recharge. We all need to know we have time for a break, and feel better when we are clear that there will be a pause or end to the current activity or expectation, when that will come, and for how long. This is even better if we feel we have some control over understanding our own needs and the type and timing of the break we need.

What depletes and restores energy for people in the predominant neurotype can be very different to the needs of people of minority neurotypes. For autistic and otherwise neurodivergent people, it can be the unpredictability of people and their neurotypical communication expectations that are particularly draining, and this can mean that the breaks they need are different and are taken more regularly than their peers. In a school, college or work environment, people might find formal, planned break times even more exhausting than the work time that surrounds them due to the unpredictable expectation of small talk or being around more or unfamiliar people. Make sure you encourage and validate people having time alone if and when needed, and learn about their interests and passions and talk to them about these or engage in them with the person if invited to.

Time can be a difficult concept, and the language used around time can be vague, so make sure that any expectations around timings are communicated clearly. If a formal break is planned after an hour for ten minutes, then try and stick to this. Too often we use precise language like “We’ll have a break in a minute” and it doesn’t happen, or use language like “We’ll have a break later” which is too vague. Also, using language like “We always take a break at midday” or “We never take a break in the afternoon” is usually untrue and unhelpful.

4. If you need to chat to a colleague and the autistic person is not part of the conversation but is in earshot, try and do it elsewhere.

Whether at home, in school, in the workplace or in community facilities, proactively try to promote a culture where an understanding of sensory sensitivities is believed and respected. This might mean talking to someone in a quiet room rather than a busy corridor, not having your own conversation with another where someone is trying to work, or validating the use of ear defenders or ear plugs if they support someone to better cope, concentrate or communicate.

5. Suggest quieter places for informal meet-ups. Social gatherings, especially in noisy cafes/bars, can be challenging.

Be proactive when planning activities, whether that be for a child’s birthday party, a school trip, a work social, etc., and consider the sensory environment and the impact this might have for both inclusivity generally and on effective communication. Assume that in any gathering, there will be neurodivergent people attending, and if known, and where possible, find out from them any safer spaces that are already familiar to them.

If an environment can’t be changed, then work with the neurodivergent person to plan for what they might need to be able to attend and enjoy the experience. This might mean validating different, more visual forms of communication or arriving early with them so that they choose where they sit to minimize being brushed past by others and where they can see an overview of the space to reduce the unpredictability of sitting with their backs to others, but where they can also get out easily from for breaks or if they need to leave. Enable them not to attend if this all feels too much on this occasion, but don’t stop inviting people unless asked not to, and continue to work with them to find better environments.

6. Limit or avoid small talk. Your communication partner might not be responsive or talkative. Find out about their interests and preferred communication topics.

Small talk can be linguistically demanding, tiring, and stressful. Many conversations begin and end with small talk – a comment on the weather or a sporting event, but these topics can seemingly come without warning and switch and change in ways that can seem illogical and confusing and are hard to keep up with. Be aware that throw-away comments you make to break the ice can actually hinder the communication process and leave autistic people unable to participate and feel excluded. Make it easier for people to join in by talking about things that interest or matter to them, ensure there is an exit strategy from social situations, and respect a person’s need for time alone.

7. Don’t insist on eye contact or physical contact, e.g., shaking someone’s hand, unless your communication partner indicates that it’s ok to do so.

Expectations of making eye contact or interpreting facial expressions can be overwhelming or impossible some or all of the time for some autistic people. Touching others, particularly if unpredictable or not chosen by the autistic person, can also be painful at worst, and uncomfortable or distracting at best, and may hinder rather than help effective communication and the person feeling safe with you.

8. Allow more time for a conversation. Your communication partner may have slower thought processes, may not be able to give their full attention or may just be tired.

Adding pauses is a good way to adjust the pace of your language. This gives your communication partner the extra time they may need to filter, sort and process what you have said, and respond if needed, before the conversation moves on. Without pauses, some people may not always or ever be able to keep up, especially if their energy levels are depleted, they are stressed or tired, or if the people or place is unfamiliar.

9. If your communication partner doesn’t communicate something too well, ask for it to be repeated. If something comes across as insensitive, it probably isn’t intentional.

Validate and appreciate honest and to-the-point communication as a difference, not something lesser-than. Some people communicate more effectively using the written word (either hand-written or using technology with text and/or symbols), when they have time to plan and prepare what they really want to say rather than respond in the moment.

10.Email/message in advance if you need to communicate a lot of complex information. It’s easier to understand or absorb that way.

Just as many people express themselves better when using written word or visual communication, so too do lots of people understand, process and retain information better when it is presented in a more permanent, visual way. Break longer emails or written communication down into small, clearly spaced chunks of information. It is important that, just as with spoken language, written information is clear and unambiguous so that information is communicated clearly and effectively.

Every autistic person is different – what works with one person may not work with another. Ask (or find out) what each individual needs from you.

With the help of Is That Clear? Effective Communication in a Neurodiverse World we can all become better, more inclusive communicators.

ABOUT AUTHOR
Joe Butler (she/her) is an education/autism consultant, teacher and trainer for her company SEND Support. Joe is a co-author of Is That Clear? Effective Communication in a Neurodiverse World, a simple and concise guide for allistic (non-autistic) people to ensure they are more inclusive of autistic people when communicating.

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Joe Butler in a promotional image for "Family Live Chat: Is That Clear? Effective Communication in a Neurodiverse World.

Family Chat: Is That Clear? Effective Communication in a Neurodiverse World

Is That Clear? Effective Communication in a Neurodiverse World is available to buy from:
Barnes & Noble for the paperback and eBook
Amazon, where you can also find the Kindle version

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This post originally appeared on our January/February 2024 Magazine