How To handle it All, and Then Some!
You are a part of the “Sandwich Generation” if you are busy raising children and caring for elderly parents! The term also applies to you if you have a special needs adult child and are also caring for your parents.
Because there is so much stress in helping your children navigate the often-turbulent waters of growing up, adding in the care of aging parents can make managing it all almost overwhelming. Sadly, more and more adults are finding themselves in this position. Having a special needs child can make it that much harder to handle it all.
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For those who waited to establish their careers and have children later in life, their parents are also often older. Instead of helping raise their grandchildren, many of these individuals require help themselves. That can burden someone trying to hold down a job, provide quality time for their children, and deal with the often stressful concerns of their parents, who may be frustrated with their inability to handle their lives. In this article, we will cover the following areas:
- What it means to be part of the Sandwich Generation
- What help your parents (and adult special needs child) might need
- Ways to handle stress and create balance in your life
Related: Elder Care Decisions Checklist Download [2]
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In this episode a Mom shares some advice from being the caregiver to both a special needs child and her aging mother.
What it Means to Be Part of the Sandwich Generation
The Sandwich Generation encompasses adults in the 40 – 59 age group, with more women than men feeling the stress of this situation. You may even find yourself dealing with this while still in your thirties. According to one study, nearly 40 percent of people in this age group feel extreme levels of stress. It is hard enough balancing work and family life without any other factors vying for your attention and time.
Aging parents can be challenging as they typically want to maintain independence. Many will not admit that they have issues and are often steadfast in their way of living. These struggles can take a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. There may also be a significant financial drain as you care for your children and aging parents.
You are not alone. Chances are others you know are dealing with the same situations. First and foremost, remember this – you are of no use to others if you do not take care of yourself first.
What Help Your Parents (and Adult Special Needs Child) Might Need
We spoke with Lynne Azar, MA in Gerontology, CDP (Certified Dementia Practitioner), with Jewish Family Community Services of Youngstown for guidance on what your parents might need. Her insights are provided here in this section, and in a checklist she made available for you to download.
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As you begin or continue to get involved in the day-to-day lives of your aging parents, there are some things to consider:
– Are your parents still capable of caring for their daily health and activities?
Are they practicing good hygiene – regular showers, baths, teeth brushing, hair neat, change of clothes, and keeping their home clean and in order? Another thing to be wary of is your parent’s ability to drive a car. The last thing you want is an accident caused by their declining abilities.
– Do your parents have all their papers and finances in order?
You will want to get everything in one place – birth certificates, marriage licenses, bank and credit card paperwork, veterans information, insurance, brokerage accounts, wills, mortgage, bills – anything of importance and place it all in one file for easy access.
Depending on their condition, you might also want to suggest being their power of attorney [5] person to have access to handling their accounts.
– What powers of attorney do you need?
1. Financial Power of Attorney: provides you with the ability to oversee their finances, banking, bills, social security account, mortgage company, brokerage accounts, and accounting. You also can monitor everything to ensure they are not getting scammed or cheated out of money by family, friends, caregivers, or strangers.
2. Healthcare Power of Attorney: allows you to speak for them at a hospital or in a healthcare crisis if they cannot speak for themselves. You can also make rehabilitation, long-term care, and end-of-life decisions. A living will is usually involved in this aspect. It is also recommended to speak with your parents about what critical care they want, including feeding and hydration tubes, resuscitation, and life support. A Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) is necessary if they do not wish to take such actions. It may be challenging to have this conversation, but it is crucial for honor and dignity in death.
– When should you take these actions?
It is important to handle these issues before cognitive decline and dementia occur. Otherwise, you might need the services of a lawyer because it is vital to ensure the parent understands what they are signing. If not, the courts might need to be involved. Some parents may refuse these requests. In that case, you might have to discuss options with other family members or get legal counsel.
– If I have an adult child with special needs, do I need to take similar actions?
Yes, you will want everything in one file, including social security cards and birth certificates. You will need the same power of attorneys. Also, along with handling other issues, you need to remember to make arrangements for if something happens to you. You will also need to make arrangements for any additional siblings who will take care of your special needs child when you no longer can. They will need to know where to find all this information.
It becomes more critical to have everything handled well in advance in case something happens to a parent caring for a special needs child. Organization is crucial. You want to avoid doing things in a crisis, which can be difficult for your mental health. If parents caring for a special needs person are cognitively declining, it may be necessary to have the courts ask them to relinquish guardianship, and a new guardian will be required.
– What happens when my parents can no longer live in their home independently?
That is another conversation it is beneficial to have long before the need. Is there a family member that will take them in, or does a facility need to be found? Funding for this is also an issue; the sale of the parents’ home might cover the costs.
– How often do I need to review my files?
If you have questions, it is always good to go back and review your paperwork. Another time to review files is when there has been any life change – a death, divorce, marriage, debilitating illness, or birth.
While it may seem daunting that there is so much to consider, remember that you do not have to do everything all at once. Make plans to accomplish one thing at a time.
Ways to Handle the Stress and Create Balance in Your Life
As we mentioned earlier, you have to put yourself first, or you will be of no use to anyone. How you deal with your stress will be apparent to your children. They need the best of you, not the leftovers.
Prioritize what is important and put everything into perspective. Making a list of things is ideal, as it lets you move items around to ensure crucial tasks get done first. Anything unimportant can be put aside for another time – or eliminated.
It Takes a Village
Enlist the help of others – family, friends, neighbors – remember, it takes a village. Find ways to delegate tasks to others who can take some of the load off your plate. If necessary, look into hiring someone, even if just for a few hours a week, to accomplish smaller tasks.
Grocery deliveries can help save shopping time for two households, freeing you up for more important things. Look for care professionals who can help your parents with household tasks.
Can you alternate carpooling with another family or schedule a play date for your child when you need to run an errand for your parents?
If your siblings live far away and you live near your parents, find other ways for them to help. Perhaps they can come for a week to allow you to get away. Maybe ask for financial help to cover when you miss work or the extra cost of taking care of your parents.
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Give Up Control
Giving up control like that might be difficult for you, but think of how it feels for your parents simultaneously. They are also giving up control to you. Allow yourself the same thing. Stop trying to do it all yourself.
Destress
Set aside a few minutes each day for you to unwind. Plan a stress-reducing activity during this time. Walking, exercising, reading, yoga, meditation, talking to a friend, or even a luxurious bath or shower can help you recharge and focus. If there is no one in the house to watch the children, consider hiring a babysitter for an hour to give you that freedom.
Take Care of Your Body
Get plenty of sleep – your body needs that to keep you going. Eat healthy foods, hydrate with plenty of water, and take vitamin supplements to give your body nutrients you may not be getting.
Ask for Help
Ask for support! Whether from family, friends, a health or mental care specialist, or a support group, get outside help when coping with everything becomes too much. Your job might offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that can provide benefits or services to help with stress or things you might need.
Remember, focus on one thing at a time so that you do not feel overburdened.
Additional information for this article came from these sources:
https://www.betterup.com/blog/sandwich-generation [8]
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This post originally appeared on our January/February 2023 Magazine [20]