Balancing the Care of Siblings with Different Needs
Parenting is hard. Parenting a child with special needs is hard, too. Parenting multiple kids with different abilities is one of the toughest jobs I have ever done.
Our oldest son has special needs. When he was born we had a lot of doctors and nurses that answered our questions and helped us along the way. We had therapists and social workers that helped us navigate the system that we had gotten thrown into. They came to our house and taught us how to help improve our sons’ movement. We had family that wanted to learn how to care for him so we could have a night away. We had a lot of help.
Then we got pregnant again and this son was expected to be completely normal. No issues what so ever. (I might disagree with them now though. Some of the things he does seems so strange to me and I find myself always asking him why he is doing what he is doing.) We got sent home with this 3-day-old little crying baby that was eating normal, pooping normal, and hitting every milestone sooner than expected. People assumed that we knew how to take care of this one because of everything we had gone through with the first one. That was not the case and I still find myself saying “I am not ready”. Our boys were completely different right from the start.
So, how do you take care of kids that have completely different needs?
How do you find time for all of the therapies that one kid needs, while trying to prevent the other one from climbing on top of the refrigerator? How do you not completely ignore one child while tending to the needs of the other one? I wish there was some magic button that I could give you that would pause time with one while you worked with the other. You could push the button again and time would resume and both kids would get equal time with you. Maybe. Someday. But for now, all I can offer is a few tips.
First, I made a chart [1] of an average day in our house. Child “A” is the older one with special needs. Child “B” is the younger one.
| Child A (2.5 year old) | Child B (1 year old) | |||
| 5am | Tube feeding ends | Sleeping (hopefully) | ||
| Give medication | ||||
| 6am | Sleeping | Wakes up | ||
| 7am | Wakes up | Eats | ||
| Gets chest PT and meds | ||||
| 8am | Cuddle time | Play | ||
| 9am | Start tube feeding | Nap | ||
| 10am | Cuddle with Mom | Nap | ||
| 11am | Therapies | Nap | ||
| Noon | Nap | Wake up | ||
| Eat | ||||
| 1pm | Start tube feeding | play | ||
| 2pm | Rest belly after eating | |||
| 3pm | Therapies | Eat | ||
| Nap | ||||
| 4pm | Therapies | Wake up | ||
| 5pm | Start tube feeding, Meds | Eat | ||
| 6pm | Rest after eating | |||
| 7pm | Therapies | Play | ||
| 8pm | Bath | Snack | ||
| Chest PT | Bath | |||
| 9pm | Bed, Start tube feeding | Bed | ||
As you can see, most of therapy and snuggle time happens while the other one is napping. The younger one gets fed in the morning while the older one’s chest PT is going, because it is an inflatable vest that vibrates once it is hooked up to a machine and is completely automated. The treatment takes about 20 minutes and is just enough time to feed the younger one. I bring both kids into the kitchen and may be cooking or feeding one while the other one is working on picking up blocks or banging pots together. Most of the therapies can be considered playing and it gets me on the floor spending time with both of them. They love to interact and they push each other to do better.
This is what works for us, in our house. This may not work for you but I made up a sheet for you to print off and use as you see fit. You could also find a calendar at a store and use that, but I have found that most of those only go from 8am-5pm and don’t really work for us.
Please click on the free printable below for the rest of the table.
[2]
Free Download: Parenting Multiple Kids With Different Abilities Hourly Schedule [2]
If you are looking for more than just an hourly planner I really like The Caregivers Notebook [3]. This book is not something you will be able to use for all of your kids but it has great sections that help you keep track of all of your special child’s doctor’s, therapist’s, appointments and daily schedule. It also has some great sections that offer encouragement for you.
My last tip is to breathe. You will have days when you feel like you got everything all figured out AND days when you don’t. You can do this! You are enough! Just breathe and try again tomorrow.
[4]
[5]
Helpful Articles
- Why Siblings Are Too Important To Ignore [6]
- Let’s Recognize and Celebrate How Special Siblings Are [7]
- A Letter to the Sibling of a Child with Special Needs [8]
- Balancing the Care of Siblings with Different Needs [9]
- I Am The Ghost of Your Future [10]
- Siblings Are Special, Too [11]
- Engaging Siblings to Build Social Skills: A Relative Solution to a Complex Problem [12]
- Family: Where Life Begins & Love Never Ends [13]
Free Downloads
- How to let Young Siblings Know you Care [14]
- What Siblings would like Parents and Service Providers to Know [15]
This post originally appeared on our March/April 2015 Magazine [16]