How to connect with your child to a happy and fulfilling relationship
Good news for you amazing parents out there: there might be a simple reason (and easy solution) to your child’s challenging behaviors! Learning to understand your child’s emotional needs, and how to respond to them, might do the trick!
Learning to interpret your child’s behavioral cues, and seeing through the negative behaviors into the emotional world behind them, will help you connect with your child in deeper ways and meet his/her emotional needs.
Instead of getting frustrated and engaging in power struggles, it is important to understand that children have a natural need for power and control. Unless this need is met in appropriate ways, it comes out in unwanted behaviors.
Don’t worry about spoiling your kids – through the process of meeting the natural developmental needs, children gain healthy self-esteem and confidence. You will actually set them up for success in life.
Here is a list of basic emotional needs and practical advice on how to start meeting them.
Unconditional Love
Loving your child is easy right? I wish it was so…
No matter how much you love your child, if your child does not feel it, does it matter? To do this, parents MUST connect with their children in deep ways, and learn to understand what makes them feel loved. It is all about the felt-feeling inside your little one.
Practical ideas for unconditional love
- Figure out how your child feels love by discovering what their “love language” is. A good resource to learn more about this is Dr. Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell’s, M.D. book, The 5 Love Languages of Children [1].
- Refrain from showing conditional love in the form of punishments, consequences, holding affection or rewards. Examples of conditional love are:
- “If you pick up your mess, then we can play”
- Your attention and connection should be unconditional and not related to performance.
- “Here is $5 for the A’s you got in school”
- This teaches your child that his self-worth is related to good grades vs the person s/he is and promotes external motivation
- “You hit your little brother – take a time out!”
- This undermines your child’s feelings of anger and creates an experience of humiliation, shame, and embarrassment.
Attention
I’ve spoken with many confused parents during the pandemic who wonder why their child keeps seeking attention despite them being at home with them ALL DAY.
You may be in the same room, physically, but are you present (not working)? For children to feel seen and heard, they need your undivided attention – presence of body and mind.
For help building connection, I recommend The Power of Showing Up [2] by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. It describes how to help children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
When you create connection with your child, they have the capacity to hear your correction. Dr. Laura Markham from Aha! Parenting [3] says that “90% of interaction should be about connection so that 10% can be about correction.”
Practical ideas for attention:
- Create small moments of attention throughout the day by offering gentle touch, kind words, and eye contact
- Put your phone aside
- Give your child undivided attention when s/he needs it, especially after time away from each other
- Play with your child
Download the ebook “Helping Our Kids Go Back to School Well [4]” from Resilience Now for Parents
Power & Control
Power struggles are a sign that your child may need more power and control. The easiest solution to end power struggles is to let go of your need to be right! Positioning yourself as “I am right” and “you are wrong” creates a lose-lose scenario for everyone.
By allowing your child to exert natural need for power – s/he doesn’t have to fight for it.
Practical ideas for power & control:
- Allow your child control of their room and make it their own
- Involve your child in making big and small decisions like what school they want to attend or what the family is eating for dinner
- Arrange your child to have age-appropriate responsibilities
- Always offer choices
- State what is happening and ask your child what s/he needs to do instead of giving a command: “We leave in 10 minutes, what do you need to do to get ready?” versus “Hurry! We need to go now! Put on your shoes!”
Playfulness
Play and having fun is essential for your child’s normative development and his/her ability to relieve stress. Allow as much free play as possible – play is crucial for learning social skills, physical, emotional, and brain development. Without play, children don’t thrive.
Practical ideas for playfulness:
- Make daily routines (eating, bedtime) fun and playful instead of stressful
- Allow things to get messy
- Shift tense situations by getting playful and having fun
- Play when they ask
Listening & Feeling Important
Children don’t listen to parents if they don’t feel listened to. Pay attention next time your child yells “You’re not listening!!!” Whether or not you agree – it’s the child’s interpretation that matters. Recognize this disconnection and repair.
Practical ideas for listening & feeling Important:
- Ask your child’s views and options on different matters
- Give undivided attention when they speak – ask follow-up questions
- Avoid lecturing, giving advice or solutions
Exploration
Children ages 0-6 are exploratory learners (ex. when babies look around the room, turn their heads towards sounds, or put things in their mouths).
Children at this age want to touch EVERYTHING – allow as much freedom as possible. It’s natural to explore – literally in their DNA!
Practical ideas for exploration:
[5]Nurture exploration by creating opportunities for it at home- Invite your child to explore nature outside. Ask them to tell you what they see and observe.
- Let them choose their extracurricular activities, and to change their minds.
Keep these emotional needs in mind, try the practical ideas, and you just might be shocked at the difference you see!
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About the Author
Paula Kettula is a licensed clinical social worker with over 20 years of experience working with children and families. She runs and operates her own private practice, and she is the creator and host of the popular online parenting series, “Becoming a Peaceful Parent” summit.
Links mentioned in this article or video
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Becoming a Peaceful Parent Free Online Summit [7]
FREE EBOOK
Download the ebook “Helping Our Kids Go Back to School Well [4]” from Resilience Now for Parents
https://www.parentingspecialneeds.org/article/what-is-emotional-intelligence-and-why-is-it-so-important/
https://www.parentingspecialneeds.org/article/anxiety-children-adolescents/
Helpful Articles
- What Is Emotional Intelligence and Why Is It so Important? [8]
- Anxiety in Children and Adolescents [9]
- 5 Steps to Help Your Child Manage Emotions [10]
- Expressing Feelings: Tips and Tricks for Children and Adults [11]
- Relationship Rescue: Expressing Feelings Appropriately [12]
- My Feelings… [13]
- Teaching Gratitude How to Teach Your Child Thankfulness [14]
- Socialize Successfully: A Few Simple Tips to Help You During the Holiday Season [15]
- Judgment and the Teenage Brain [16]
- ‘Sit with Us’ App: I Know What It Is Like to Eat Alone [17]
- LIFE SKILLS: The Importance of Asking Questions for Those with an ASD [18]
- Crying in Therapy: Important to Understand Why [19]
- Reducing Back to School Anxiety {Tip 17 of 31} [20]
- Back to School Cool: Easing Anxiety Before the Bell Rings [21]
- Tech Tips to Support Your Family’s Physical & Mental Wellness [22]
- The Science of Happiness [23]
- How to Raise Happy Kids [24]
- Five Ways to Cultivate Friendships [25]
- How to Find Your Special Child’s Spark? [26]
- Tech for Developing Mental Strength for Life’s UPS and Downs [27]
This post originally appeared on our July/August 2020 Magazine [28]