Every year, just as I am finishing off the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers, I’ll run into a perky acquaintance who will ask, “Are you all ready for the holidays?” I usually smile and nod politely, but on the inside, I’m seething and thinking, “Are you kidding me? How can you even ask me this?”
Although family traditions may be deeply rooted in the joy of being among relatives and friends for whom we truly love and care deeply, the effort of preparing meals, shopping and wrapping presents, cleaning and decorating the house and having kids out of school can be overwhelming. Instead of comfort and joy, some family members may be experiencing stress and depression. Holiday stress can impact both parents and children, especially children with disabilities who may thrive on routine and predictable schedules.
Starting in October, we are bombarded with printed images, greeting card photos, advertisements, TV specials and social media which may make everyone else’s holiday look perfect while many are struggling to figure out finances, childcare, gift giving, and out of town guests. For most families, the after-school dinner-homework-bedtime routine does not allow for a lot of extra time to decorate cookies or put together a gingerbread house unless sleep is sacrificed. There are community parades, grand illuminations, singalongs, PTA programs, extra worship services, all of which may involve crowds of people, noise and uncomfortable clothing. For many people, gatherings that require small talk can be exhausting. And for people who have a low sensory tolerance, the lights, tinny holiday music, crowds, and scent of pine candles can push them over the edge.
This Year All Our Troubles Will Be Out of Sight
Since everyone deserves something to look forward to during the holiday season, we asked families some of their family survival tactics for avoiding holiday stress, and pulled together several tried and true strategies to make the holidays enjoyable for everyone. The first step is easy and costs nothing: Have a conversation with your family about what they enjoy most during the holiday season, and what activities are essential to make their holiday relaxing and fun. The second step may require some practice, but once you get the hang of it, it will be effortless: Adopt a rule that it’s okay to decline an invitation, no matter how lovely the event may be, to stay home instead. Sometimes, staying in to watch TV in your pajamas might feel like a better choice than attending your neighborhood block party. Step three might be the most difficult, but it’s a good mantra to repeat when you feel stormed with images of flawless families in their holiday finery or pass by exquisitely decorated homes: FORGET ABOUT PERFECTION. Every family’s definition of a great holiday is different. Perfection for your family may include eating take out for dinner, or skipping a worship service so that your family can catch up on doing what’s important to them.
Over the River and Through the Woods
The pressures of visiting family members can be especially trying. Once out of their normal surroundings, kids can find all kinds of ways to wreak havoc in someone else’s home, and this can cause tremendous anxiety on the part of adults who have learned to anticipate this. Some families opt to stay home or visit others who are familiar with providing a “safe zone.” Others choose to have a pre-travel talk with other adults to identify the potential triggers ahead of time. Creating a “code word” is a good strategy to alert other family members that it’s time to take over when they become nervous about children roughhousing around the host’s fragile figurines.
I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
It is thought that holiday gifts provide joy for the giver and the recipient. But some children may be blunt when it comes to expressing appreciation for the present, or worse, lack of appreciation altogether. Every year, one mom practices by pretending to give a really terrible gift, and challenging her son to say something nice about it. It’s become a family joke that everyone enjoys, and helps rehearse how to respond when receiving a real gift. Many parents rack their brains to figure out a gift their child will love in anticipation of seeing their child joyfully tear through the wrapping paper. Others strive to be sure that the same amount of money is spent on each child. But there are some kids who really don’t care about gifts, or find joy in quirky indulgences. One teenager told me his favorite present was to have received 7 rolls of multi-colored duct tape. Good advice came from one parent who now provides a gift of an experience, rather than a tangible item. A bathing suit wrapped around a season’s pass to a water park provides a memorable event that’s also environmentally friendly. Other families forgo the gift exchange in favor of a family trip where kids are provided with a predetermined amount of cash that may be spent on a special treat or a souvenir to take home. So that kids experience the joy of giving, some families decide how they would like to help in make someone else’s holiday a little brighter by allowing the kids to choose which charitable organizations they would like to support and how they would like to donate.
Candy, Candy Canes, Candy Corns and Syrup
Those are the four essential food groups according to Buddy in the 2003 movie, Elf. Does anyone behave better after eating high quantities of sugar? Starting with Halloween’s candy corn, the holiday season has its own sugar filled delights that are only available during this short holiday season. For a limited time only, some feel rushed to hoard candy canes, frosted cookies, fudge, gingerbread, chocolate gelt, and a multitude of other treats. And don’t forget to include holiday flavored coffees and often, increased alcohol consumption. In times of fatigue and stress, it’s hard to resist a sugary treat. Participating in outdoor activities or exercising along with a YouTube class can help balance some unhealthy food choices. Rather than candy, one creative mom placed positive messages inside of the advent calendar for a daily dose of inspiration. Most families follow strict guidelines for their holiday menu and for some children, holiday meals are inedible. Allowing each child to have at least one item that they enjoy served at a holiday meal will allow everyone to enjoy it. If the kids can assist in the preparation of the food of their choice, they can enjoy the pride of sharing it with others.
Giddy Up Jingle Horse
To some people, decorative lights, combined with holiday music, and crowds of people talking over one another are a recipe for overstimulation. Twinkling lights can seem as offensive as strobe lights and children may need an opportunity to take a break to self-regulate. Asking the child to select what activities they would like to do, and empowering them to leave when they have had enough will save a lot of family frustration. If possible, taking two cars to an event allows the overstimulated family members to exit while more socially active ones may remain and mingle. When entertaining guests at home, allow children to exit to their own quiet place instead of forcing them to interact in large family gatherings and forced activities. When attending a gathering, establish your family’s minimal acceptable rules, such as say hello to the host, drink one drink, say goodbye to the host and express thanks for the invitation. Lack of a regular school and work routine can also lead to late nights and feeling groggy and out of sorts during the day time. Reconvening for school after a long break is exhausting, and therefore it’s a good time to be kind to yourselves and place few demands on your family members.
No matter how your family decides to celebrate, be sure there is some time where you can connect with one another, even if it’s just listening to music during a short car ride. If all else fails, take a deep breath, and make plans for how next year’s holiday will be even better.
Thanks to the following amazing parents who contributed to this article: Nickie Brandenburer, Erin Croyle, Parthy Dinora, Laura Kern, Jill Rose, Renee Soniat, and Rebecca Stickler.
About the Author:
Molly Dellinger-Wray is part of the Partnership for People with Disabilities at Virginia Commonwealth University and the parent of two fabulous adult children, one of whom benefitted from special education services. For the past 15 years she has coordinated and directed projects that assist children and adults with disabilities with issues surrounding violence, abuse, sexual assault, and neglect. Molly’s goal in life is to help everyone enjoy healthy relationships
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This post originally appeared on our November/December 2023 Magazine [14]