Avoiding the Big “ D ” – Denial
Oh it’s true! As hard as I try, it sneaks in. I push it out of my brain and say, “It can’t be true!” After all, it’s much easier to think about something else or blame it on a circumstance of situations.
I am talking about that nasty little reality pill – that one we often need to swallow. Friends, teachers and professionals gently, or sometimes discreetly, present the information. We, as parents, would rather digest the “D” rather than breath deep, listen and open our minds to the situation at hand.
Related: Handling Your Child’s Diagnosis: Six Things Parents Should Do For Themselves [1]
I must confess that there are times when denial feels pretty darn good. Recently, a friend reminded me, “as long as you understand that it is like sour cream and onion dip – you got to quit when the container is empty. Yeah, denial is a tasty chip with dip.”
I mean, after all, what’s wrong with a little denial? As another wise friend reminds me, “If denial helps us push harder to help our kids then a little of it is not so bad – it’s only harmful when parents take up residence there!”
Like any major journey, you enter airport security and submit yourself for review. Why? It is essential to the safety of other travelers. The same is true as parents. We have to be honest with ourselves even when we don’t want to be. Our child’s expedition involves an entire team and affects other students in the midst of their path to success.
Just as I really don’t like having the security officer announce that I am wearing an underwire bra, I abhor having someone telling me what skill my child lacks. Frankly, hearing someone drag their nails across a blackboard would be more soothing. The truth is that denial is a road block. If you keep eating the “chip and dip” that my friend mentions, you will never support services or programs that will help your child.
Related: A Thin Slice Of Denial [2]
Here is my nine point plan:
1. Listen more and talk less
This is huge for me. OK, it’s downright lofty but hey, it’s a New Year.
2. Seek the advisement of someone trusted
When you don’t like the information presented, contact a member of the “team” who can advise you objectively. The fact they are involved will assist in swallowing or in suggesting ideas to assist you in supporting your child.
3. Denial is not a river in Egypt
Although this is a corny statement, it is a reminder as parents we need to be aware of our behaviors. A friend, whose daughter is now in high school, reminded me, “It never gets easier to hear of your child’s deficits especially when you realize that these are probably going to be lifelong challenges.” Just as a river twists and bends, so too does our child’s journey towards success.
4. Look for the advice of parents who are ahead on the path
Some of the best encouragement has come from those who have gone before us. Their tales and stories provide a tremendous source of inspiration, support and often humor. There is a special bond that you hold with other parents who are in your shoes. A proverbial “secret pinky shake” could be just what the doctor ordered.
5. Continue to learn and research
I am a member of my son’s team. I am his best advocate. Even though I believe passionately in the school and the systems that support him, I, too, need to continue to learn and seek information that I can bring back to support him and his classmates.
6. Remember this Statement
“Things have a way of working out”. Part of running from denial is the fact that I try to control so many aspects of my child’s education and plan for success. The next point, when combined with this statement, can bring relief from your anxiety.
7. Breath
This is another hard one for me. I run, advance and seek the jugular of all who stand in my way. My combat training I gained at the start of our son’s life in the NICU often kicks in. I frequently forget that the best commanders can reflect and analyze all aspects of the battle.
8. When all else fails, SCREAM
Please note that this must be done in the privacy of your own car, bedroom or from the top of some bridge. It is not a behavior for others to witness. It is merely a release of tension. It could also take place in the midst of spin class, running a flight of steps or after taking out the trash. The point is to release that angst so that you move on.
9. Remember this statement
“Things have a way of working out”. Part of running from denial is the fact that I try to control so many aspects of my child’s education and plan for success. It’s not easy. I would like to think I have this all mastered. After eight years, the journey has really only begun. Just as everyone vows to lose weight each New Year, I will be pressing my nose against the “Big D.” One day I will flatten it like a steamroller. For now, I am just moving on the best I can.
Remember this statement:
“Things have a way of working out”.
More Helpful Articles
- 8 Ways to be a Great Advocate For Your Family Member with Special Needs [3]
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Parents Raising Children with Special Needs [4]
- Developing Your Own Network [5]
- Resiliency Lessons from the Chilean Mine Triumph [6]
- Giving Difficult News to a Family [7]
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This post originally appeared on our January/February 2011 Magazine [9]