Can any emotion compare to the surge of helplessness a parent feels when they witness their child being excluded, being treated unfairly, or experiencing failure?
The Urge to Protect: A Natural Parental Instinct
As parents, we have learned that sometimes it’s better to create events where we can predict successful outcomes because sometimes a lack of planning can result in our kids being disappointed or frustrated. No one likes to think of their kids being uncomfortable or sad. If we can predict a poor outcome, we do our best to outmaneuver potential failure. This is easy with young children, but as our loved ones become young adults, they will want to be more independent and make decisions without input from caring adults.
We can’t bubblewrap our children, but sometimes the anticipation of all the scenarios where something could go wrong creates anxiety for parents that may trickle down to their loved ones.
The Concept of Dignity of Risk: Allowing Mistakes
Dignity of risk is a term used to describe the importance of allowing someone to make their own mistakes in order to lead a typical and meaningful life. As parents, sometimes we try to prevent failure when our kids create a goal that we think is unreachable.
Dignity of Risk is not about encouraging risky or illegal behaviors, like riding on a motorcycle without protective gear. It is tied closely to quality of life and asks that we try to investigate our loved one’s goal and work at it while keeping their safety in mind.
The Challenge of Allowing Mistakes: A Parental Struggle
Allowing our loved ones to make mistakes requires self-restraint for us as adults. Sitting on our
Allowing our loved ones to make mistakes requires self-restraint for us as adults. Sitting on our hands and allowing our children to take reasonable risks is needed for the growth and development of independence and can provide a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Using strategies like informed decision-making, the benefits and risks can be explored together so that no one is caught unaware. As parents, we measure the risks and benefits of common childhood activities every time our kids use playground equipment or spend time with a new friend, both of which pose reasonable risks that require parents to strike a balance between amplifying the risk or playing it safe. In my own experience as a parent, there were often times that we would try something new, which ended in a dismal failure, and I’d kick myself for wondering why I thought a new experience would work. But, by having tried, at least my child and I could pull information from our experience about what might be helpful the next time around.
Informed Decision-Making: A Critical Partnership
Making an informed choice occurs when we offer our loved ones the opportunity to understand all the options available to them, including the benefits and risks of their decisions. This is not something that just happens once. One parent told me that she has at least twenty-five conversations with her adult daughter about her choices regarding her living or work opportunities to be sure that her daughter truly understands the risks. Likewise, adults can set an example for others to show that asking for help is a sign of strength! If there is a time in your life that you’ve needed to seek assistance to help you through a difficult situation, share the process with those around you and relay the importance of asking for help to get through it.
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Dr. Richard Chapman’s Inspiring Journey
Dr. Richard Chapman is deeply committed to advocating for individuals with disabilities and mental health concerns. Richard is a proud graduate of the University of South Florida where he completed his undergraduate and master’s degree and earned his Ph.D. in Counseling Education and Supervision. In addition to his impressive academic qualifications, Richard proudly identifies as a person with a disability. He was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at birth, which affects his walking and speech. In his childhood, Richard received early intervention and special education in an inclusive setting. He is deeply grateful to his parents, to whom he owes much of his accomplishments. Richards’ parents held high expectations for him both academically and throughout his employment. He was taught that with determination, he could achieve anything, and there was a clear expectation that he would complete college and graduate school.
One thing Richard attributes to his success is the importance of making his own decisions and setting his own goals. From an early age, Richard’s parents involved him in decision-making and determining his own goals at IEP meetings. As a high school student, Richard was placed in an advanced English class which was a struggle for him. Although it would have been easier for everyone involved to switch to a less intense class, he and his teacher decided to maintain his enrollment in the demanding class, and with the teacher’s support, Richard successfully completed it.
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Learning from Setbacks: A Personal Experience
Not all of Richard’s academic endeavors turned out as well. As a graduate student, Richard was overzealous in his ability to manage his courses and enrolled in six graduate classes. In order to get through it, he learned that by focusing on a smaller number of courses he was able to achieve the success he was seeking, but needed to postpone enrollment in the others until he had the time and resources to tackle them.
In Richard’s situation, a poor outcome was relatively low risk compared to some choices like meeting an online friend in person or living independently for the first time. However, it helped Richard learn to problem solve and develop a solution that would aid him in the future with similar risks.
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Parenting a Child with a Disability: Balancing Act
For many of us, parenting a child with a disability is more than a full-time job. Some parents will do everything that they possibly can for their child to succeed and simultaneously witness struggles and failures.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Molly Dellinger-Wray is part of the Partnership for People with Disabilities at Virginia Commonwealth University and the parent of two fabulous adult children, one of whom benefitted from special education services. For the past 15 years, she has coordinated and directed projects that assist children and adults with disabilities with issues surrounding violence, abuse, sexual assault, and neglect. Molly’s goal in life is to help everyone enjoy healthy relationships.
CONTRIBUTORS:
Dr. Richard Chapman is the Assistant Director for Disability Leadership at the VCU Partnership for People with Disabilities.
Sara Thompson has 15 years of supporting people with disabilities and 2 years teaching the importance of Supported Decision Making in Virginia.