Mate Crime Spotting the Signs of Fake Friendship

Mate Crime Spotting the Signs of Fake Friendship

Sadly, we live in a society where cruelty towards vulnerable people takes place. This can be easily recognized in the form of physical violence and verbal abuse, with incidences often shocking and sickening. This mistreatment is obvious – it’s easy to identify, and therefore easier to educate children and young people about what unacceptable behavior is. Support in law, through the category of ‘Hate Crime’ makes it an offence to target people on the basis of their gender, race, religion, disability, nationality or sexual orientation.

A relatively new term of ‘Mate Crime’ has been coined to describe when vulnerable people suffer abuse by people that they not only know, but claim to be their friends. It is characterized by a subtle and devious manipulation where trust is gained. Exploitation of this kind is very common. An Autism charity conducted research in the UK in 2015 which found that 80% of respondents over 16 reported that they had been bullied by someone they thought was their friend.

https://www.parentingspecialneeds.org/article/five-ways-to-cultivate-friendships/

Forming relationships and understanding what friendship is can be an area of challenge for people with special needs. Social situations can be confusing and parents and educators are often required to help navigate through the minefield that is personal space, eye contact and appropriate conversation. Having a disability can also be a lonely experience, therefore the need to find companionship can be more pronounced, making the person particularly vulnerable to unscrupulous ploys to engage with them and secure their trust. This places an obligation on educators and parents to raise awareness of the existence of ‘mate crime’ and limit the risk of loved ones being drawn into relationships that may become abusive. What starts off looking like friendship can increasingly become one-sided, and can escalate into physical and verbal assault, intimidation, theft, and even coercion into committing crime.

Why Mate Crime can be difficult to spot –

• It could be gradual.

The real agenda may take time to become evident. The victim may not realize they’ve been taken advantage of, or understand that what is happening is abuse. The emotional impact may also be considerable, as the victim feels betrayed.

• It Is subtle.

Any healthy friendship will have ‘give and take’ where people do favours for one another. We make allowances for our friends and tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. The victim might make excuses for certain behaviours, dismissing it as part and parcel of being someone’s friend.

https://www.parentingspecialneeds.org/article/subtle-abuse/

• The victim might accept it.

Unpleasant and/or aggressive behavior in a relationship may be tolerated by the victim, if they want that person’s company regardless of outcome. Desperation for friendship could cause them to accept unfair treatment and they may feel a sense of guilt at the prospect of reporting them.

It is also important to acknowledge that people with special needs can also be perpetrators of mate crime, and they will benefit from input to understand the impact of their behavior.

Here is a suggestion of 10 potential warning signs of the possibility of mate crime that might be helpful.

1. Does your child ever seem upset after being with their friend/s?
2. Has your child been physically hurt by their friend/s?
3. Has your child made reference to any name calling/teasing?
4. Does your child seem under pressure?
5. Does your child lend money to their friend/s but they don’t pay it back?
6. Does your child let their friend/s take, use or damage their belongings?
7. Does your child’s friend/s use their phone, or ask your child to use it to take photographs or send messages that they don’t want to?
8. Does your child bring other people to where you live that they don’t know or didn’t invite?
9. Alternatively, does your child only meet their friend/s alone?
10. Is your child being encouraged to do things that are against the law?

It won’t be easy trying to explain that someone is “using” them. They may struggle to accept it when they have trusted someone who used the label of friendship falsely. It will also be a challenge not to go to the extreme and instill mistrust into children and young people with special needs, and then become suspicious and cynical. Genuine, agenda-free friendships are possible, we just need to be aware that abuse can take many forms and recognize the warning signs.

Kate Sarginson, has been a Special Needs teacher for 16 years. She has experience in specialist residential college, mainstream high school and independent boarding school. Her current role is Head of Learning Support at Sedbergh School, Cumbria, England.

Helpful Articles

• Disabilities Shouldn’t Define Individuals Awareness and Dialogue Promote Acceptance
• How Bullying Has Affected My Daughter’s Life
• Mate Crime Spotting the Signs of Fake Friendship
• How to Help Students with Special Needs Avoid Bullying
• BULLYING: A Real Threat to Your Child & Strategies for Preventing It from Happening
• How to Identify Bullying {Tip 25-31}
• The Importance of Teaching Children Body Safety
• BODY SAFETY BE AWARE: Some General Tips and Guidelines
• Advice Needed! Legal Actions for Abuse in Classroom
• Restraints in School: What Can You Do?
• Sex Education: Teaching the Most Vulnerable
• Digital Safety: An Ongoing Conversation
• Summer Internet Surfing Keeping Kids Safe Online
• When Your Child is Not Welcomed – Dealing with Jerks

This post originally appeared on our July/August 2017 Magazine