PSN Issue | Parenting Special Needs Magazine

My Dad has gone to Heaven

By: Nomie Frazzetta

How many of us have asked this question? What happens when your loved one goes to heaven, and better yet, what is going to happen to me?

Working with disabled adults, this question comes up quite often when one of their loved ones passes away.

"My dad died."

"I am so sad, why did he have to go?"

"I already miss him."

How do you begin to answer these questions? Better yet, how do you explain it so they will not be afraid when it is their time to join their loved ones?

When I was asked these questions by a disabled (mentally challenged) adult for the first time, I did not know where to begin. However, I knew I needed to put this into a context they would understand and would find less frightening, so here is what I came up with:

When God needs us in heaven, he will call us. Right now it is not our time. I then asked them to think about what they remembered the most about their loved one.

"My mother's M&M cookies."

"Going fishing with my dad."

"The sweater my grandmother made me."

"Bowling with my dad."

" My mother's whiskey sours."

These are but a few of their answers. I then explain that everyone has a special job in heaven, and when God needs someone to fulfill that job, he calls them to join him . I then personalize it by telling them what my family members are doing in heaven and what I think I will be doing. I ask other folks who have already experienced this, what they think their family member is doing, and they cannot wait to tell me. I then ask them what they think they will do when they get to heaven. Another question I like to ask them is the name of their favorite pet that has died. I then ask them if they think Noah is taking care of all the dogs, cats, horses, hamsters, and goldfish that have died. The first response I always seem to get is "I flushed my gold fish down the toilet. How will he get to heaven?" You'd better think twice the next time you want to flush a gold fish down the toilet!

I also ask if their loved one was sick or injured, and explain that when you go to heaven, you will no longer be sick. One young gentleman with CP asked me "will I be able to walk in heaven?" I explained yes, you will. He no longer was afraid of dying. Another woman asked me, "Will my dad get his eye back?" When I told her yes, she was really happy.

I then explained that in heaven, you get your own special angel that will always be there to watch over you. When you are sad and lonely, you can talk to your angel. When you are happy, your angel will also want to know what you are doing.

Not only can you talk to your Angel, but you can also talk to your deceased loved ones. For example, at the ARF I worked at, they started a Memory Garden. This memory garden has a rock engraved with the name of the person who has gone to heaven. The individual gets to participate in a "Celebration of Life" service with their peers and then place the rock where they want in the garden. It is not uncommon to see someone standing by their special rock, talking to the person it represents. Flowers, balloons, and flags are just a few of the items left at the rock.

Luckily, the angels and loved ones don't just listen; they send us messages, too. Have you ever thought about where the change you find on the ground comes from? What makes the thunder and lightning? I know several people who will jump to give you the answers.

Coins found on the ground are blessings from heaven. Depending on how much the coin is worth, that is how many blessings you will receive. Stop and wonder who in heaven is thinking of you at that moment. We have had several unexplained examples of this. Marilyn was having her fortieth birthday and her dad had passed away just shortly before this time. She was very sad that he would not be at her party. I explained that he would be there as her special angel. When leaving the restaurant, she found a dime on the ground and immediately knew he had left it there for her. One of the staff members called me to tell me how nice it was of me to leave the dime on the ground. I explained that I did not know what restaurant they went to, and had no way to place a coin where only she would find it. Where do you think it came from? I also shared this with my four- year-old great nephew when he found a penny on the ground at the zoo. When he got home he went and got his piggy bank and asked his mother "which one of these pennies is a blessing penny?" Today, three years later, Cole continues to look for his blessing pennies. Think about how many blessing pennies you have in a jar right now.

Just recently, we lost one of our special people, and I was traveling shortly after it happened. I found a quarter and dime on the floor of the airport and had to stop to pick it up. My husband was embarrassed, but I explained that Barbara had left it there for me. Look at how many other people just walked over them and did not stop. Upon returning from the trip, I shared this with her mother. The story seemed to have comforted her. Several months later, her mother went on an airplane trip and also found a coin; she could not wait to get home and tell me. Keep your eyes open, Barbara may leave you a blessing or two.

As we all know, quite a few of the disabled adults are afraid of thunder and lightning. I spent many of my sleepovers trying to comfort someone during a storm. (Well, maybe not that many sleepovers, since we live in California). Everyone is on the bowling team and loves to go bowling, so we started to count the number of strikes the angels were getting. When the thunder was especially loud, we would count that as two strikes. You would be surprised at how many gold medals have been handed out in heaven. Scotty was the one that explained the lightening. Every time a new angel goes to heaven, God takes a picture of them to hang in his living room. I cannot think of a better way to explain this.

So the next time someone asks you, "My dad has gone to heaven, now what?" do you know how you will answer them?

About Author: Nomie Frazzetta is the medical coordinator for an adult residential facility. I have has worked there for 15 years. As our clients got older, we found that it was very essential to deal with the dying of their parents and even peers. I must say that with this approach there has been less fear and everyone can openly talk about death.